Well, it’s been miserable saying goodbye to Adderall, to say the least; it has turned into a long and drawn out process. I’ve “quit” several times, actually – each time returning to it primarily out of neccessity (i.e. to finish a job, bill a client, then MY bills), but there is also a strong addictive component to my returns.
The last time I gave in (3 weeks ago), I asked the doctor for a 20mg/day prescription, down from 45mg. I did not use it as a continuous taper, but rather as two spaced binge events. My last usage was two weeks ago.
There are two primary withdrawal effects that plague me. First is drowsiness. For the first few days, I slept about 18 hours per day. Now, two weeks after last dose, I sleep about 12 hours a day.
Second is (initially profound) anhedonism and lethargy. And I’m not using the word “profound” lightly.
During the first week, I took about 2 showers. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was playing games on the computer. Or reading. I haven’t worked with music (normally an obscession), programming or anything else. Nothing sounded worth the effort.
Now, two weeks later, the anhedonia/lethargy is strong, but not as crippling. I still have very little interest in “hobbies”, but I have been able to work some.
More and more, I have very brief sparks of inspiration, where hobbies actually sound fascinating again. But it’s a very fleeting feeling. It seems like my brain is an engine trying to turn over; some times it fires a couple of pistons then sputters out.
Forcing myself to do “things” causes intense agitation. Earlier in withdrawal, simply taking a shower would cause feelings of childish tantrum throwing to run through my head. It’s not that severe now, but I still become mildly irritated if I attempt to work at something for any useful length of time.
Appetite wise – well, I’ve gained over 10 pounds over the last two weeks. Most of that was in the first few days. My appetite is currently at pre-Adderall levels.
So, why is this the “almost” epilogue? Because I know from experience that I will at some point face a seemingly irresistable compulsion to ask my doctor for a refill. Overall though, while I may end up doing so (as I have a couple of times already), I am making real progress. Each “quitting” cycle, the urge to abuse decreases, and I use less. I am currently in new territory; I HAVE made it two weeks before, but I didn’t feel this “well”.
Perhaps more encouraging than anything, according to my wife, “it feels like you’ve been gone for a long time, and just came back.” Indeed, my mood has improved – but there are much more vague, subtle ways that Adderall impacts your personality, and it’s in those details that the real changes have taken place.
One last note – I’m experiencing a near-total inversion of normal circadian rythms. I’ve always been a night-owl, but lately, I literally wake up at night as if it was morning, and literally go to bed in the early morning hours. I’ve also experienced some intense sleep-onset paralysis (something I have not experienced for 4 years or so). I read somewhere, once upon a time, that after chronic amphetamine use, sleep patterns continue to be modified for up to several months after stoppage. So I may have a ways to go…
Ah well. One thing at a time.
